Nevada

There is joy in imagining

The way your family’s home

Shuttered in the Nevada wind

The dreams that frightened you as a child:

Clowns with wicked appearances,

Of great white owls swooping down at you

Or of the tragic car accident

And of the field scene with your grandmother…

            All this time, I’ve neglected, you

            Have gone on and spoken

            You’ve combed your dark hair

            Tidying after intimate affairs

            You’ve smiled your swimming emerald eyes

            Made it seem as if you, for once,

            Might have truly felt something

For days passed into months,

Going on without a second thought

And I see I have fallen

It’s truly terrifying, as I realize

I have already given you my heart

While you still hide yours

These feels are approaching an end

As I remain surrounded in bed sheets

Watching, listening, waiting

Lying between the sharp draw of overkill

And the thin line of dismissal

I think I have been in love before. Yet, the precise way in which I would define that love might not fit a traditional sense, as my appreciation of another person and of their experiences is one of the ways I most often feel love. This poem is written during a time where I had found someone and began to deeply connect to them, but still felt as if that feeling were not mutual, and it took me until a particular day to realize this. It was during that realization that I realized the tricky spot I had found myself, bringing my self to the conclusion that I had a decision to make: to try to make the person fall for me, or to let the person go and simply appreciate the time I had experienced with them. You just can’t control people, and I decided that the better choice was to let them go before the heartbreak could have the chance to escalate. What a dream it was, I remember, sitting there in the bed after spending the night together, sleepily fatigued yet happy… happy while he stood there combing his hair and washing his face in the bathroom mirror. He shared deep memories with me that caused me to resonate with him, even when it was small moments like him looking at me or telling me some tiny observation he had made.

The real message in this piece is appreciation for the temporary; despite knowing that something painful might come of it, we exhibit vulnerability for the sake of those fragmented memories that we will forever carry in our hearts as small acts of magic. The heartbreak will be difficult, but enduring it makes us resilient and most importantly, it lets us see things ever so sharply. So that we build up these incredible defenses and try to prevent the next passion from sneaking upon us, yet that makes the tear-down that is, falling in love, all the more beautiful. No matter how strong our attempts, passion can always break through, and each time you see that -each time you realize that you’re no match for it- will increase your appreciation for it and make you cherish it even more.

If I could give advice to anyone, it would be to fall in love every day. Chase those good passions in whatever manner they might present themselves to you. Fall in love, fast and hard, and soak yourself in those moments with the full knowledge that they may be taken from you at any moment. Chase that magic.